I finally got a chance to see the much talked about Oprah show in its entirety after I just read the latest celebrity domestic violence incident perpetrated by Kelly Bensimon from the show “Desperate Housewives of New York”. Please read the article & comments on the Huffington Post- very interesting.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/09/kelly-bensimon-new-real-h_n_173278.html

I want to hear what all the pundits, so called experts (especially those who still suggest that restraining orders are the answer after we have seen how many women ,children & men restraining orders have failed), Chris Brown bashers, Rihanna sympathizers, women’s rights activists etc. have to say about this latest domestic violence incident. Will Perez Hilton & those calling for Chris’s boycott- boycott Desperate Housewives of New York? Where is TMZ with the police report & photo of  the abused man? Where are all the entertainment shows, talk shows & news channels reporting & speculating on this one? What does Oprah have to say about this –will she address this in her upcoming show featuring men who have been abusers? What message does this story send or better yet what message does the lack of coverage & those who are quick to not believe it even happened send- since people believe there is no way a woman can physically abuse a man because men are stronger than women.

We can not end Women’s History Month teaching our young women that this double standard is acceptable & that it’s ok to be a victim or play the victim role without personal responsibility when it’s convenient. Women demand equal pay, equal respect & promotion on the job & we tout that we can do anything a man can do, but we can put our hands on a man & he is expected to walk away because after all men are stronger than women  – Separate but equal ? I really don’t get it.  I can’t believe I am forced to defend men on this one, but the overwhelming coverage on this has been a little too one sided & full of mixed messages in a new era of progress for women & men. How does this argument of men are stronger so they need to refrain & walk away stand up in domestic situations of homosexuals?

I love me some Oprah, but every time she does these type of shows she constantly tries to attach her personal experiences & opinions to the situations of others & her guest – maybe that’s what a talk show host is supposed to do, but for me I can’t stand when I am telling a personal story & the person I am telling it to is always ready with a story of their own to match. Dave Chapelle was the first time I saw someone actually slightly call Oprah on it- go back & watch that episode. I am disappointed in Oprah saying she doesn’t know what Chris & Rihanna could tell us about their situation at this point by writing a book together. As far as I know neither one of them have had the chance to really tell their story outside of all the speculation & everyone putting their personal stories & personal opinions on them. Oprah, you don’t know why Rihanna went back to Chris – just because you didn’t love yourself enough at a point in your life to leave a bad situation doesn’t mean it’s the same situation in every situation- plus look where you are now in your life- if everyone had written you off as stupid, lacking self esteem etc. we would not be blessed with the Oprah you are now!  Every situation is not the same & it upsets me to see it addressed this way especially by adults in reference to young people who have so much growing to do. 

If we are really going to have a dialogue on domestic violence & stop the cycle then let’s have real talk about it & call a spade a spade because this has been happening for centuries & the same old pc, expected talk is obviously not working to prevent it- where is the healing when we can’t see all sides. Personal responsibility by all needs to be a factor in the dialogue & in our laws. I can’t fathom what it is like to be abused, so I can’t speculate on the psyche of the abused or the abuser & their choices, but I do know that people get in situations that do not & should not define their entire life in totality. I want to ask many of the women in an uproar over people they don’t personally know –if you found out that the person you are in love with was once an abuser would you leave them –would you stop loving them or will you say “well he/she is a different person now”?

It disgusts me to see young people in a bad situation & see adults saying “he can never change , once an abuser always an abuser”. This maybe a factor for some, but it doesn’t have to be for all. Comparing  Chris Brown to OJ & Nicole’s domestic violence situation & eventual murder is beyond ridiculous to me, but CNN gave the Brown family a chance to attach their story to this. Yes he made a threat saying “I am going to kill you” – how many times have many of us said these words jokingly or in anger- did most of us end up killing someone ?  If we believe that people can’t change  & shouldn’t be given chances after their mistakes, then why do we fight to repeal the “Rockefeller drug laws”, why do we have rehab facilities, why do we believe in a higher power that teaches forgiveness? 

Oprah said her show was about sending love & healing to both Chris & Rihanna,  but she made headlines  & got all the press in anticipation of the show on domestic violence by coming out & saying “once an abuser always an abuser” & was adamant that Rihanna needed to leave Chris because she was sure he would hit her again.  We really need to be careful with actions & words especially as adults when we are addressing our young people. Tyra’s Banks’ mom’s approach by not jumping to the expected of “you need to leave him, once an abuser always an abuser” mantra to me is the way to address these types of situations- you need to give support & allow people to make their own decisions because we all know that the best way to get young people to do something is by telling them not to do it & even some adults are like that. There are too many mixed messages all around & we have failed this new generation of young people because the elders have forgotten how to be elders & to teach & lead by example. I was actually shocked to read all the posts on Facebook on just how many women & men have been in abusive relationships –but I am also happy to see that speaking on it & coming out is not so taboo or shameful anymore- so to that end we have made progress. 

Stopping this cycle starts at home not on talk shows etc. I grew up with a single mother who never allowed her boyfriends or even her fiancé to spend the night in our house while I was home because she knew she was raising a young lady & there were certain responsibilities she had to undertake in terms of what she exposed me to  & what I would grow up believing was acceptable behavior. As an adult if I date someone with a child I refuse to meet their children unless I know the relationship is serious & that it is OK with the mother of the child to have me around their children . It’s just an old school respect thing which we have lost on so many levels. Sometimes we need to make sure to keep the foundation of self respect, self love, morality & respect for all in order to truly be progressive & forward thinking.  My mother was never my hang out buddy, we never shared clothes, boyfriends, friendship circles or any of the foolishness that I see occurring today in parenting, therefore my boundaries are very clear in the respect I show to my mother, to myself, to my peers, to those younger than me & to elders as an adult. Our lives are from perfect, but I have the basic knowledge of boundaries, love for self, love for others & respect to take me thru every aspect of my everyday life.

Whether it is Paris Hilton getting beaten by her backstreet boy boyfriend, Chris Brown beating up Rihanna, all the nameless & faceless abused or a desperate housewife beating up her fiancé –it all needs to be addressed with the same vigor & contempt because it’s all wrong beyond ratings & headlines! I still like Chris Brown & Rihanna & think they are talented entertainers. I  wish them both much future success & still believe that they can turn things around &  continue to be role models for young people particularly since they have had this life altering experience. Humans have flaws & if a flawless higher power can forgive our sins then who are we as humans to put ourselves in sole judgment of another human being! He that is without sin ……..let him cast the first stone!